Step 11- Warning Signs in Dating and What to Do with Them
The following signs don’t necessarily mean it won’t work out, but they are red flags that need to be addressed quickly if you see them. Hopefully, if they are addressed quickly, your relationship will be saved in the long run. The warning signs to follow are what you may find in a Christian relationship. (These don't include dating a non-beliver, dating someone who pressures you sexually, dating someone is on a totally different page than you in terms of denomination and theology, or dating someone who physically abuses you. I think it goes without saying that these are obvious signs not to date someone... but I thought I'd mention them nonetheless).
Don’t put your hope in a person
Take notice if someone is looking to you for fulfillment and purpose and/or if you are looking to him for those things. Don’t spend ALL of your time with this person (though I think it is good if he wants to see you often). Keep time for your relationship with God, friends, and hobbies. Continue to look to God for all of your hope, sustenance, self-esteem, and security. It is okay to dream together about a future, but don't get too carried away to where you don't have your own path. Learn to dream alone cause that's still where you might find yourself. Until someone proposes to you, you can't count on their path being your path. Ask God to lead you now and your future steps.
Do you point each other to Christ?
Learn to encourage each other in your Christian walks now. Let God guide your relationship. Spur on each other spiritually, and help to build each other up. Talk about your relationship with the Lord and what He is doing for you and has done for you. Your love for Christ should grow you closer, just as it does with friendships.
I've heard it said that marriage is for your sanctification not your satisfaction. I'm not sure the same is to be said of dating, but dating should be a place where you are willing to grow and allow the other person to grow. I'm not saying you should try to change someone, but small bumps in the road aren't always a bad thing. Learn how to work through the hard things and allowing God to work it out for you.
In the book Should I Get Married by Dr. Blaine Smith, he states, “marriage is for adults- for those who regard their differences not as a threat but as an inspiration for growth, who are determined to negotiate their differences and who ultimately view the relationship as more important than their own individuality.” Dr. Smith also declares, “when love is truly from God, foremost among these is compassion. You feel the other’s hurts and concerns as your own. You ache to see God’s best worked out in that person’s life.”
Fight temptations and pray for each other often. This isn’t going to magically change when you get married, so you should start this practice now. Establish boundaries upfront, and hold each other accountable.
Does he cherish you?
Does he want to spend time with you when he can? Does he think of you when you are away and tell you that he misses you? As I mentioned earlier, it's good to keep your own individuality, passions, dreams, hobbies, etc. in dating, but there should be this sense of longing to be with the other person and thinking they are the "best thing since sliced bread." If someone seems to enjoy being away from you more than they enjoy being with you, "maybe he's just not that into you."
Make sure that your interests compliment each other well and that there are things you enjoy doing together. DUHHHH. This seems like something that shouldn't have to be said, but don't settle just because its convenient or because you find a single Christian guy...I think my family members think it's that easy. Find someone that compliments you. Wait for true love... yada yada yada...
Where is your relationship going?
Does he talk to you about where the relationship is going? Does he talk about you when he discusses his future? Does he think of you when making plans?
Okay I know there are many gals who would back me up on this. There are many Christian guys who honestly don’t know what they want, and they may try to mask this by saying they are trying to “guard your heart.” UGGGGHHHHH. I feel like I should insert a John Crist video here...At first, they may actually be protecting you and not wanting to promise too much; HOWEVER, there comes a point in the relationship that they NEED to know where they are leading you. If they don’t, your heart will not be protected in the process, but rather the opposite will happen. You will end up feeling underserving of love, like they don’t care, like they can’t take control of their own life (or yours), like you are not pursued, and very (very, very, very) alone.
“Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. ‘I’m not coming any closer. This is as far as I am willing to go. But, I won’t leave, and that ought to make you happy. There is this sort of détente, a cordial agreement to only live so close.’ The effect is that most women feel alone.”- John and Stasi Eldredge, Captivating
You need to know if you ever do get married that you are able to communicate and that your man will not avoid difficult conversations. Otherwise, you will have a difficult time making decisions about anything as a couple.
Also, be careful not to get in a rhythm of dating that becomes a substitute for marriage. It will never truly satisfy your longing for marriage because it is less than God’s best for you. “Recognize also that by letting dating function as a substitute for marriage, you are living well short of God’s ideal and missing some of his greatest blessings.”- Dr. Blain Smith, Should I Get Married
Just because you notice one of these warning signs doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Pray, seek council from others, and seek God above all else.
A prayer for Discernment:
Lord, close doors that need to be opened and close doors that need to be closed. Help me to learn discernment when dating. Put the right people in my life to help guide and encourage my dating relationships. I don’t want to waste time dating. Protect me from useless dating. Open my eyes to any warning signs and what to do if I notice any of these red flags.
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