Fighting Anxiety with Worship

Darkness you won't find me now
I've got a new way to fight
Darkness let me show you how
His love will drown out the night 

Once when I was a little kid, maybe around 5 years old, a semi-famous worship group came to do a concert at my church.  For whatever reason, I went on ahead of my mom to the concert with another adult.  When my mom arrived, she said she freaked out because there I was, ON THE STAGE with the band, dancing my heart out!!! 

I can't explain it, but there's something more spiritual about children.  I know that we are all born sinners, but Jesus said that we are to have faith like a child if we are to ever see the Kingdom of Heaven.  Without even thinking about it or understanding the inappropriateness of dancing on a stage uninvited, I was in that moment, doing what I was created to do.... I was worshiping my Savior.  I wish that it wouldn't have taken me 20 something years to really get back there.

I was a funny child before the anxiety started to plague my life--- never afraid of anything.  I remember clearly when it started.  I was around 8 years old, and it started at a church revival.  It was here that I was exposed to hearing about death, Hell, and eternity.  I began to associate my fear of Hell with praying and with God, and I became very afraid of Him.  I began to see God as someone who wanted to trick people into thinking they knew Him only to later tell them they did not.  Whether or not you agree with this preaching style is not the point of this story and isn't something I feel like debating, the point is how it affected me.  Of course, I prayed the sinner's prayer during this time and many times after, but nothing miraculous or spiritual happened.  I do believe that this is a God ordained part of my story and something that He greatly used... 

Maybe I still would have been plagued with anxiety regardless of that life event.  Maybe it was a chemical thing.  Maybe age 8 is around the time anxiety sets in for people or when they really begin to understand the deeper things of life.  No matter why it started or whose fault it was, it started here.  

Anxiety usually set in at night during my childhood.  It would take me a long time to fall asleep and my mind would race.  The feeling of darkness would creep into my room, and I would be filled with a sense of dread.  Around this age, I also learned about the rapture, which also terrified me, and if I wasn't thinking of burning for eternity, I would usually think about being "left behind" by my christian parents.  

My only fix for this was to say the sinner's prayer over and over again and go over what I had learned at bible school and such... ABC.. Admit.. Believe...Confess... I still sort of liked the stories of Jesus during this time.  I just didn't care much for God the Father.  I didn't trust Him but would pray to Him anyways in hopes of appeasing Him in some way.  I lived like this from about age 8-13.

At age 13,  I made a decision to pray one more time and thought "I'm not doing this again after today."  Nothing really changed, but I was aggravated and done.  I pretty much stopped caring much about the things of God, and this helped my anxiety for a while.  I began living my life how I wanted.  I thought this would work, but my body started freaking out.  Even though, I completely ignored God and His teachings, I started having full blown panic attacks.  This probably involved more than just spiritual things such as problems with my diet, acid reflux,  hormones etc., but it took away from things I enjoyed.  Mostly, it took away the joy of my favorite thing-- singing, and that was my high school... It was a combination of fun times and enjoying myself mixed with moments of extreme panic and hyper-ventilating for 30 min. -1 hour time frames.. and strangely, it happened often when I was singing.  

Surprisingly, for the most part, I had decent mental health in college based on lifestyle changes, etc. and the anxiety sort of subsided.  I pretty much continued to live how I wanted to feeling "free" of guilt.  Free to be like "other people."  Free to have fun I guess you could say.... though I know it wasn't true freedom. 

This carefree life sort of came to a halt around the time I started graduate school.  My friends left to study abroad.  The guy I was "talking with" broke things off.  My grandfather passed away.  I didn't enjoy my new college.  I was having long talks with my brother about God and began questioning His existence.  A stronger darkness came in that I had never experienced before.  It wasn't anxiety this time, but it was something darker.  I wasn't afraid of death.  I just wasn't all that excited about living.  Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal or anything like that.  It just felt like all the joy of life had been sucked out of me.  

It was in this dark season that I truly found God.  It was in this season that the often forgotten part of the trinity in Southern Baptist churches swept in and showered me with His love.  It was in this season that I allowed the Holy Spirit to come in and change me.  He began to give me "a hope and a future."  I surrendered my life to Him and was baptized.  It didn't involve a formed prayer, but it was authentic and eternal. Being a christian doesn't mean that you'll be free of anxiety, but it did break off my deepest fears- death, Hell, etc...  

Things were great for a while, though I went through some spiritually dry spells because of sin in my life.  When my boyfriend of over 3 1/2 years broke up with me, a different anxiety started to rush in.  This time it wasn't the fear of death that would grip me, but it was rooted in the fear of being alone and questioning God's goodness.  I found myself unable to sleep many nights, pacing the room, and fearing what life looked like as a single person.  It was here that I learned something new.  It was here that I began to learn how to fight my anxiety with worship.  It was here that that little girl dancing on the stage in me began to emerge from the ashes.

I started to play worship music for hours upon hours.  I would have it on in the background as I worked.  I would have it on when I was falling asleep.  I would hum it as I was getting ready, etc.  You get the point.  My roommates would even make comments about it changing something in the atmosphere of our house.  I'm not saying that I wasn't praying and reading my bible as well and that those things didn't have their place, but something about worshiping specifically through songs supernaturally changed my life.  It also helped that I was also taking guitar lessons around this time, and I began to write songs of my own.  Something really birthed in me that I still carry, and I grew even closer to God through worship.  

"I've found peace far beyond all understanding
Let it flow when my mind's under siege
All anxiety bows in the presence of Jesus the Keeper of Peace 
And peace is a promise He keeps" - Hillsong

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that medicine, therapy, excise etc. don't have their place in becoming mentally healthy.  Of course they do, but worshiping God in moments of panic can supernaturally change your life.  

Psalm 30:11-12 ESV
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!